Being the Mommy I always wanted to be

I think every mom must start out with ideas of how she wants to be and the kinds of things she wants to do with her children. I know I did.
And then you have your babies...and you love them and you cuddle them... but everyday life crushes in on you. The house cleaning and maintenance , the laundry, feeding your family - and for a large number of us full or part-time employment. And that's not even taking into account the sleepless nights with sick babies - teething babies or babies who just won't sleep.
I always dreamed of being the perfect mommy; patient, letting the kids help with everything, teaching them all sorts of things about nature, music etc.
I certainly don't have the level of patience I thought I'd have. In fact - when I stop and look at my own behavior sometimes I'm amazed at my LACK of patience. I get so frustrated when the boys are boys and talk back, when they make messes with their food, when they won't go easily for naps or bedtime or when they won't clean up after themselves.
I don't get to do nearly as many activities with the boys as I'd like. I've been wanting to start Ronnie playing the violin....I've been talking about making pine cone bird feeders with them all winter....the weekends are always too short.
And I'm not alone, not that I've spoken with a ton of other moms, but the ones I know feel the same. They don't measure up to what they wanted to be. EVEN THE STAY AT HOME MOMS say they don't have as much patience with their kids as they'd like to have.
I know that at least part of the issue for me is sleep deprivation. I have caught myself yelling at the boys at the drop of a hat when I'm down on sleep (ie when Evan isn't sleeping well). When I'm regularly sleeping through the night I have a little more patience.
But that is certainly not the whole issue. And neither is not working outside the home. It's also not a lack of love and affection for the kids. I just adore my boys and love snuggling and doing things with them.......
So, what is it? Is it a normal part of motherhood to feel you don't measure up? To loose your cool completely on occaision?
I know that just being able to sit back and observe myself helps sometimes. I try a little harder the next time to have a little more patience...
And like I said I think that things have gotten a little better since Evan has been sleeping better. I just hope that I can keep it going in a positive direction; have more of the positive attitude that I'd ALWAYS like to have with my boys.
And so the quest continues.....to find the inner mommy, to find the patience I used to have for nieces and nephews and children of friends.......

Giving Thanks

As the kids are taking their nap I'm taking time to sit back and reflect - ....I think I spent too many years on my own with the ability to have things "just so" to have things stay cleaned up for more than a couple of hours...etc - in those days I was sad - because I didn't have anyone to share life with. And now I get aggrivated every day with all of the little things that pile up - that need to get done over and over and over because of little messes.

The fact is - I wouldn't change any of it. I love my kids, I love my husband, I love the process of keeping the house, and the garden...I even really like my job - ok mostly - The problem is that there is just not enough time to do it all well...to take my time with it and enjoy it in the moment as much as I'd like.

This year has been a year of settling in - to the house, to the marriage and being together all of the time, to the kids - now that Evan is more of a participant....

My goal for next year is to stop worrying about what can't get done - and to enjoy what can be done more. To be in love with my life as much as I love my life - so that I show it more to all of the people I love.

This year, I am thankful for:

My children they are bright active and fun...healthy sassy and LOUD! They make life exciting and wonderful!

MY husband -who is the best daddy I know, loves our family, works hard making our house a home we can be proud of, allows me time for myself and accepts me for who I am.

My parents - who helped us make it through the year. From staying with us when the 4 of us had a stomach virus to keeping the kids for several weekends and Shakespeare evenings so Clark and I could do things as a couple.

My spirit sisters - for being there and listening and understanding and sharing life's ups and downs.

Grammy, Jill, Leana, Donna, Kim and Lizyy for emergency childcare!!!

Leana & Clyde for MANY evenings of dominoes, tea and chocolates!

My job - that I got a new one with a decent boss and moved to the Morristown office.

Blaize - for all of the years of companionship and love and loyalty and mouse hunting.