I think every mom must start out with ideas of how she wants to be and the kinds of things she wants to do with her children. I know I did.
And then you have your babies...and you love them and you cuddle them... but everyday life crushes in on you. The house cleaning and maintenance , the laundry, feeding your family - and for a large number of us full or part-time employment. And that's not even taking into account the sleepless nights with sick babies - teething babies or babies who just won't sleep.
I always dreamed of being the perfect mommy; patient, letting the kids help with everything, teaching them all sorts of things about nature, music etc.
I certainly don't have the level of patience I thought I'd have. In fact - when I stop and look at my own behavior sometimes I'm amazed at my LACK of patience. I get so frustrated when the boys are boys and talk back, when they make messes with their food, when they won't go easily for naps or bedtime or when they won't clean up after themselves.
I don't get to do nearly as many activities with the boys as I'd like. I've been wanting to start Ronnie playing the violin....I've been talking about making pine cone bird feeders with them all winter....the weekends are always too short.
And I'm not alone, not that I've spoken with a ton of other moms, but the ones I know feel the same. They don't measure up to what they wanted to be. EVEN THE STAY AT HOME MOMS say they don't have as much patience with their kids as they'd like to have.
I know that at least part of the issue for me is sleep deprivation. I have caught myself yelling at the boys at the drop of a hat when I'm down on sleep (ie when Evan isn't sleeping well). When I'm regularly sleeping through the night I have a little more patience.
But that is certainly not the whole issue. And neither is not working outside the home. It's also not a lack of love and affection for the kids. I just adore my boys and love snuggling and doing things with them.......
So, what is it? Is it a normal part of motherhood to feel you don't measure up? To loose your cool completely on occaision?
I know that just being able to sit back and observe myself helps sometimes. I try a little harder the next time to have a little more patience...
And like I said I think that things have gotten a little better since Evan has been sleeping better. I just hope that I can keep it going in a positive direction; have more of the positive attitude that I'd ALWAYS like to have with my boys.
And so the quest continues.....to find the inner mommy, to find the patience I used to have for nieces and nephews and children of friends.......